


never again.

by catmig



Category: The Bold Type
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 09:13:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15482517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catmig/pseuds/catmig
Summary: posted this on tumblr and decided to bring it here. Basically a follow up from 1x05, what Kat was going through after Adena says "I booked a flight to Paris". 3 parts





	1. never again.

Kat’s heart was bursting in her chest as she stood in front of Adena. Partly because of the run down the street and up the stairs to Adena’s apartment. Also partly because of her nerves that were causing her to feel sick to her stomach. Also partly because she just laid all of her feelings on the line and was waiting for Adena to respond and her words were floating out in the air waiting for an answer. There was something in Adena’s face that she couldn’t read though. Something that made her already nervous stomach flip over a few times more. She saw Adena draw breath and begin speaking.

“I booked a flight to Paris…” What? “Coco and I are going to try and work things out. I leave tonight.”

The feelings in her stomach evaporated and her heart stopped feeling like it was going to burst, but rather dropped to the pit of her stomach. Kat forced a nod though, because she couldn’t break in front of Adena. Not after she just put her whole heart on the line for Adena to have and got completely shut down. No. Never doing this “honest feelings” thing ever again. Never again.

Kat went to go speak but somehow no words could come out, like a rock was lodged in her throat. 

Before she could speak Adena beat her to it “Kat…” Adena stepped forward, her arm grazing Kat’s, but Kat instinctively pulled away and took a step back. 

“No it’s cool. I get it,” Kat somehow found her voice. 

“I was just so upset after we last spoke,” there was something in Adena’s voice that was almost disappointed and sad. For the first time in what felt like an hour she looked up and saw Adena looking upset and frustrated, but not at Kat, at herself. Something inside her that never wanted to see Adena hurt made Kat want to pull her into a hug, but she held back. 

“It’s okay Adena,” Kat said with more confidence this time. “Really, I understand,” she took a deep breath in. “I blew it, huh?” Kat said the last part with a little laugh, using her humor as a defense mechanism as she always did.

Adena quickly picked up on this and raised her eyebrow.

“Whatever though,” Kat waved off Adena and turned around so she couldn’t have the other woman analyzing her facial expressions. “It’s good. You and Coco should work things out.” She turned back to Adena and saw her looking at the floor. “The timing of…this,” Kat gestured between herself and Adena. “It was just off, you know?” Adena gave a little nod in response. Kat couldn’t take the uncomfortable silences and not knowing how to deal with a situation/being out of control was enough to drive Kat insane. She cleared her throat, “I should let you go…you know, finish packing and all.” She went to go leave and started walking past Adena when she felt Adena’s hand grab her arm and pull her back. The two looked at each other with such intensity that the feeling of her heart racing returned in full force.

“I’m sorry, Kat.”

Adena said it with such genuinity and tenderness that Kat knew Adena was just as disappointed with everything as she was. She almost wanted to use that to tell Adena to call Coco back, cancel her flight and start this whole awful day over. Only this time she wouldn’t push Adena away she would let her breakup with Coco and they could start their own relationship. 

But she didn’t say that.

Because she did blow it.

She was too late. 

Too indecisive. 

Too confused. 

Adena deserved someone who was sure of what they wanted. Someone who didn’t back out of things at the last minute like she had the tendency to do.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Kat finally said, letting her hand meet Adena’s and gave it a little squeeze. 

Adena squeezed her hand back and gave Kat a little smile.

“Will you be back?” Kat asked, forgetting that she was still holding Adena’s hand, not wanting to let go. 

“I don’t know…maybe?”

Kat nodded and let go of Adena’s hand. Folding her arms across her chest. She wasn’t sure what to say or what to do. She closed her eyes and was brought back to a few nights ago when she was standing outside of Adena’s door, professing all of her feelings, but the result was so much different. God what she wouldn’t give to have that moment again. While she was reminiscing she remembered her own words “I really want you to stay in mine…”

She could do this. She could be the bigger person here. She could let Adena leave. She could let Coco have her back.

She was lost in her own head that she didn’t realize Adena was in front of her, Adena’s arms bringing her into an embrace. A flood of emotions hit her like a ton of bricks. The words of the Soul Wheel teacher. The feeling it was like being wrapped up in Adena the other night kissing softly in Adena’s bed. She didn’t even realize she was crying until she heard Adena soothing her and felt Adena’s hand gently rubbing circles around her back. 

After a few moments Kat pulled herself together and pulled back from Adena’s embrace. She took a deep breath and gave Adena a sad smile. “Maybe we could stay in touch?” Kat offered.

Adena smiled back and nodded.

“I would like that, very much.”

“Good,” Kat smiled. “I’m better at the whole friends thing anyway, just ask Jane and Sutton,” Kat made another small joke and Adena smiled again. “And we’ll keep us just…friendly, you know? Nothing else.”

The two quietly smiled at each other, a world of emotions and unspoken feelings being said within those smiles. Adena broke the stares and looked at the clock behind Kat, her face realizing she needed to start packing and getting ready. Kat drew another deep breath and forced another smile. She took a small step forward and outreached her hand, “Well Adena El Amin…” goodbye? Thanks for making out with me and leaving me broken hearted? Sorry I couldn’t commit to you?

Adena drew a shaky breath, and Kat couldn’t look at her without tears coming to her own eyes. Adena looked at Kat’s hand and shook her head, but took Kat’s hand, keeping things friendly. “Well Kat Edison…”

“Stay in touch, okay? Send me pictures of France…or wherever you travel to.” Kat could feel herself rambling, but she didn’t even care. Their hands were still grasped. Kat could feel Adena hold on to her hand a little tighter.

“You too…I want to hear all about Scarlet and your friends.”

Kat nodded, still holding Adena’s hand. She knew she had to let go, she knew she had to walk out that door. But Adena wasn’t letting go either, and that made her want to stay right where she was and hold out hope for a different ending.

“So you’ll actually be a phone person for me huh?” Kat joked to lighten the mood and Adena immediately laughed.

“Yes, I definitely will start using my phone more.” Their hands were now lightly swinging between them.

“Good.”

Adena tilted her head a little, and Kat melted. She felt Adena pull on her hand and found herself taking a step closer to Adena. “One for the road?” Adena whispered it, sadly, but still playfully. Kat leaned in and her lips met Adena’s softly. 

It was just a peck. But the amount of emotion they both put behind it. Kat could feel her heart pounding once again, like she had just completed a Soul Wheel class and run blocks to pour her heart out all over again. 

This was the moment she wanted. This was the moment she was expecting. She breathed all of Adena in in that small moment. And just as quick as it all happened, it was over and they both pulled away. They let go of each other’s hands and gave each other sad smiles, that said more than words could say. Kat started to walk to the door, feeling her heart sink with each step. 

“Kat?” she turned around, seeing Adena’s big brown eyes welled with tears. “I’ll call you when I land, okay?” Kat smiled back and nodded.

“See…we’re already so good at this friends thing,” Kat’s remark put one last smile on Adena’s face which was all she needed to be able to walk out the door.

Kat opened the door to begin the trek home, and somehow feeling somewhere in her gut that this wasn’t over. That there would be another chance. And when that chance came she would not push Adena away. She’d kiss Adena and tell her how she really feels immediately. Because they would never walk away from each other like this again.


	2. never really mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by Liz Longley's "Never Really Mine"

Kat’s head was pounding when she woke up. It was a steady pound like a beat of a drum She knew she should probably get up and get a drink of water or an aspirin, but the idea of rolling over made her stomach clench and made her want to throw up. Her eyes were still shut, but in the distance she could hear someone in her kitchen, coffee mugs clanking together and cupboards shutting. 

“Shhh, Sutton, take it down a few notches. Kat’s still sleeping,” Kat could hear Jane shushing Sutton, but Jane was just as loud as Sutton was being. If Kat could force her eyes open she would roll her eyes. 

Kat decided to rip the bandaid and roll over a bit and immediately felt sick. Her eyes cracked open ever so slightly and with a deep breath in the rush of images from her night last night came back to her.

She made a fool of herself at Adena’s, pouring her heart out, only to find out that Adena was going back to Paris to be with Coco. After texting a SOS text to Jane and Sutton, she went to a bar on the Lower East Side where she met them, replayed the whole disaster to them and proceeded to get shitfaced. 

Jane and Sutton gave her tips of how they had gotten over broken hearts in the past, but the more Kat drank the more she insisted to them that she wasn’t suffering a broken heart. She, of course, didn’t miss the glances that Jane and Sutton exchanged “knowing” looks, which just made Kat drink even more.

She told them how they kissed goodbye one last time. She told them how they were going to be friends and that was how it was always should have been. Because Adena should be with Coco, her perfect lesbian girlfriend, and not someone like Kat, who wasn’t even sure what she was doing with Adena. Even when Kat was telling them, she knew they were just words she was spitting out.

Kat could hear Jane and Sutton chatting in the kitchen and she rolled over where her phone lit up with an email from work. Kat went to turn her phone off, but then she saw a text message from Adena that she had missed late last night: I just landed, it’s late there so I didn’t want to call. Maybe you can call when you get up?

Kat’s heart skipped a few beats, and the pounding in her head quieted. She also felt less sick to her stomach. She sat up in her bed, turning her camera on so that she could see how gross she looked. This as good as it’s going to get. She clicked on Adena’s name and hit the Facetime button and within in 3 rings Adena’s smiling face was on her screen.

“Hey you,” Adena said and Kat couldn’t help but let her whole face light up back at Adena.

“Hey, how was the flight?”

“It was okay, not that bad,” Kat nodded back at Adena and tried to think of what she could say to keep the conversation going, but Adena beat her to it. “How was the rest of your night?”

“Uhm…” Well I was so upset about you I got drunk as hell and am trying not to puke right now. But she opted not to be that honest. “Good. Just went out with Jane and Sutton for some drinks.” In the background she could hear her friends giggling about something from her kitchen, and was thankful that they were there with her last night. 

“That sounds fun,” Adena smiled and Kat couldn’t help but be jealous of how unaffected Adena seemed by all of this. How was Kat supposed to have a normal conversation with this person. She knew the question she should ask, but she didn’t want to freak Adena out. But the more small talk that Adena made the more she realized none of this was really phasing Adena all that much.

“Did you meet up with Coco yet?” Kat tried her best to sound neutral and supportive, but she knew the way her voice tilted up every so slightly it was the voice that Sutton always used to make fun of her as her “fake voice”, but Adena didn’t know her long enough to know her different voices and when she wasn’t being 100% honest. 

“Yeah,” Adena nodded. “I’m at her place now. She’s at work.” Kat nodded in response, because what else is she supposed to say or do. So happy for you?

“That’s cool,” Kat finally came out with, knowing she sounds stupid and insincere, but she needed to make this friends thing work.

They continued with the small chat for a little while longer before Adena said she had to go meet Coco and Kat fought back the pang of jealousy and the image of Coco and Adena being perfect together in Paris. Kat put her phone down and the image of Coco snuggling up to each other at Adena’s gallery weeks ago came into her brain on repeat. Right as she was about to slide down into her bed to go back to sleep to push the image of the perfect lesbians out of her brain, Sutton came bursting through the door. “Hey munchkin! We made hangover food!” Kat couldn’t help but laugh, and once again be thankful for her best friends not taking no for an answer and not believing her when she said her heart wasn’t broken.

****

Over the next few days Kat and Adena texted each other with little check ins. What’s the weather like? What are you up to? How’s work? What are you photographing these days?

Keeping it light. Keeping it casual. Staying in touch.

It’s what they agreed to. It’s what she told Jane they were doing when she was getting texts and pictures from Adena at work one day.

Soon the “every so often” texts turned into texts and a weekly Facetime session. Soon that turned into every other day calls. Then that turned into daily calls.

She didn’t tell her friends at first because she knew they would disapprove. Well, maybe not disapprove, but they would be worried she was getting too far in. 

And they might be right.

Because soon her daily sanity depended on those phone calls. If she hadn’t heard from Adena yet her mind would run wild with what Coco and Adena could be up to. Were they on some fancy dinner date in Paris? Did they decide to take a last minute trip to Costa Rica or something? Were they making out in Coco’s trendy apartment? 

Kat knew she shouldn’t think about it too much. She knew she didn’t really have a right to care what Adena and Coco were up to. 

Adena wasn’t her girlfriend. She was Coco’s girlfriend.

***

As the weeks passed, Adena mentioned Coco less and less. It hit the point that some of the days when they spoke, Kat would forget that Adena even had a girlfriend. 

Their conversations were less about small talk and little check ins, but ranged from politics to music that inspires them. Kat felt like she knew more about Adena than she knew about anyone else she ever dated before.

Only she wasn’t dating Adena.

The more she thought about it the more she felt like she was going crazy. Kat could tell in the little laughs she would pull from Adena over the phone, or the smiles she would get when they Facetimed, that Adena felt something for her. It didn’t feel like just friends. It didn’t feel like how she and Jane or she and Sutton would talk.

Maybe it was because she never made out with Jane or Sutton. Maybe it was because she knew what it was like to hold Adena close and she would go to bed hoping for that to happen again.

She knew she wasn’t imagining that there was a mutual feeling there between them. She knew it. But she couldn’t bring it up because she didn’t want to ruin her time talking to Adena and getting to know her more by mentioning Coco, especially since Adena wasn’t bringing her girlfriend up.

But one day when they were having their daily phone chat she was snapped from her daydreams that Adena was actually hers when Adena’s name was called from the background on the other side of the phone. Kat knew it was Coco. The muffled French coming from both Adena and Coco. And Kat wasn’t imagining the ever so slight way Adena’s voice changed. Kat didn’t know French, but she could sense the shift in tones from Adena. The back and forth went on for a minute or two, and Kat had to fight all of her urges to hang up so she didn’t have to feel like any more of a third wheel than she was. 

Eventually the other end got quiet and Adena returned her attention to Kat, but things changed for Kat. All of the confusing thoughts about Adena that she had pushed down and hidden under the pretense of “really good friends who are talking on the phone daily” were coming bubbling to surface. 

The realization that Adena had her own life, and what the hell was Kat doing? Adena had a girlfriend that was with her every day. Did Coco even know that Adena and Kat spoke daily? So many thoughts were running through her head that she almost didn’t hear Adena say her name and disrupting her thoughts, “Kat? You still there?”

“Yeah sorry…” All Kat wanted to do was ask Adena what this was, what they were doing, and what Adena was doing with Coco. But she couldn’t, because she already knew the answer. And her negative thoughts were getting the best of her. “I should let you go though,” Kat shifted to her usual defensive self. “Let you go get back to your girlfriend.” 

It was the first Kat had mentioned Coco in a while. And the way Adena quietly said, “Oh okay” Kat knew her words stung Adena just as much as it stung Kat to say them. 

“Talk tomorrow?” Adena’s voice lilted up a bit, filled with so much hope that would normally make Kat smile, but tonight made her annoyed.

But she couldn’t deny the other woman so she forced a smile on her own face and said “Of course.”

Kat hung up and threw her phone down. She was angry, but not even sure who she was mad at. Adena? No…that’s too much effort. Herself? Probably a little bit. Coco? Yes. Because Coco gets to have Adena as her girlfriend. She gets to cuddle with Adena, and kiss her whenever she wants. Coco gets all of these things and she probably doesn’t even realize how lucky she is. 

Despite the calls and how much she is getting to know Adena it all was just making her want something more with Adena. Something more that she would probably never have. But Kat would still pick up the phone the next day, and she would still imagine what it would be like to be doing all of the cute girlfriend things Coco gets to do with Adena. Because she wasn’t ready to let go of that dream yet. It might never happen. Adena might never be hers. But the thought that she almost was, and the idea that they both still felt something…that was enough to push every negative thought away and force her to pick up the phone every single time. 

And maybe, just maybe, one day Adena would be hers.


	3. be brave.

It wasn’t anything obvious that called Kat’s attention to it. It was subtle little things. The way that Adena almost sounded like she was rolling her eyes over the phone when she would mention Coco or use the word “we” when talking about what she and Coco did for dinner or something. Almost a hint of frustration. Then at some point in their daily chats Adena stopped mentioning Coco entirely. One time when Kat casually asked something about her and Coco, Adena quickly changed the subject.

That’s when Kat knew something was not quite right with the couple. She could feel it. But it wasn’t her business to pry…was it?

Her and Adena were friends. She pries into Jane and Sutton’s lives all the time. So this shouldn’t be any different really. But it was. She couldn’t pry into Adena’s life. 

Because what if the answer was what she’s been waiting for this whole time? What if i she had to step up and finally tell Adena all the stuff she’s really been feeling this whole time?

It’s what she wanted. 

It’s what she’s been waiting for.

It shouldn’t still scare her. But she had pushed the possibility so far out of her mind that she just didn’t want to get her hopes up. That’s what scared her. The idea of that possibility actually being a reality? No. She would not have her heart ripped out from its chest again unless she was sure. 100% sure.

But Kat was struggling pushing those feelings and thoughts aside. Especially when Jane made her agree to go on a date with some dude. She thought she was ready to put herself out there. She thought it was for the best. But the day of the date when Adena’s picture lit up her phone screen, Kat’s stomach was doing somersaults. What if her and Coco broke up? Should I tell Adena about the date?

When Kat got a free moment to call Adena back later in the day her stomach was at ease and the stress from her work day melted away the second that Adena said “Bonjour”. It was the way that Kat could feel Adena’s own stress melt away as well and they quickly fell into the groove of their normal conversation. Kat was able to vent about work, and all the drama that was happening with the layoffs. Adena was able to show a different side to herself as well as she vented about work and struggling to find inspiration. When Kat heard Adena say “tres complique” she melted even more and completely forgot about work or her pending date. 

When Jane came through the door though to remind Kat that she had to get going, Kat knew she had to leave her fantasy world behind. But she wasn’t expecting Adena to ask what “thing” she had to go, and with Jane staring her down she couldn’t lie on the spot.

“It’s a date actually.”

“Really?” There was something drawn out and playful in Adena’s tone and it made Kat smile, but when Adena threw out the even more playful “Boy or girl?” Kat couldn’t hold the giggle in.

“Bye Adena,” she got out through her laughs as Jane gave her a look. 

 

Kat had not been telling her friends just how often she had been talking to Adena, because she knew they would tell her to stop. She knew they would lecture her on getting too attached, or that Adena has a girlfriend. She knew her friends well, and she wasn’t ready to hear it just yet. But the cat was out of the bag now and she had to sit through an Uber ride with Jane staring her down, holding in her thoughts until they were at the bar. Kat knew her friend was just trying to be supportive, but she didn’t want to go there with them tonight she had to shove all of her feelings down and be present for her date.

And that’s exactly what she did. She told her friends that she talked to Kat “daily and twice a day sometimes” laughed at Sutton’s joke about phone sex and proceeded to ignore Jane trying to rationalize her life. She then went back to trying to be present to her date.

What surprised Kat the most was that she didn’t have to try so hard. She actually was enjoying herself. She felt like her old self again, the person she was before she went down the Muslim lesbian rabbit hole. She was drinking and flirting, and not once did Adena pop into her mind.

Not once until they were at the river, and she brought up “uncomplicated heterosexuality” and then Adena was in her mind. And the sound of the water reminded her of her stroll with Adena, and the smell of the fresh air brought her to “being in the moment”. But to push the thoughts aside she leaned in when Trevor leaned in. 

She kissed him and it seemed like all would be right, but right when she was being pulled in for more she heard a violin. The flood of memories from her night with Adena came back to her and she pulled away from the kiss only to see the violinist that her and Adena saw, and maybe it was fate, or she had willed for it to happen. But all she could see was Adena and all she could think about was Adena, so it wasn’t going to happen with Trevor, it never would. 

She left Trevor and went back to Jane and Sutton’s where she was crashing. She tried to sleep, but all she could do was think about Adena and wanted to talk to her. When she called Adena the mix of alcohol and sadness made the honesty spill from her lips to Adena “it made me miss you, a lot”. She could tell she had said too much because Adena said her name softly, but it was enough for Kat to know that she had to quickly change the subject, which she did. Once again things were left unsaid between the two.

Over the next few days the focus of their conversations were about Kat’s work, and the small fight she got into with her friends about the layoffs. As the talk at Scarlet infiltrated her brain, though, she saw people who were fighting for what they wanted, people making big decisions about their careers. Meanwhile, Kat was lost and confused, unsure of what she actually wanted with her life and jealous of her friends who were almost forced to make those decisions. 

But there was something that was consistent throughout all of her thoughts and that was Adena. She wanted Adena in her life. She wanted to know more about her. She wanted to travel with. She wanted it all. And something about the talk of layoffs and hearing her friends’ dreams motivated her to pick up the phone and call Adena.

It was when Adena let out “I know you too” and Adena’s head tilted to the side sympathetically that Kat’s walls came down a bit and she felt safe to ask that one question that had been on her mind for at least a week.

“Things aren’t going well with you and Coco, are they?”

Adena frowned and let out a, “No.” And Kat let in a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and felt her heart almost break for the other woman, but also knew this was her chance. So she told Adena how if she did get laid off she would get on a flight to Paris, but she’s not. And Adena looked at her with such pride, because somehow Adena knew that that was Kat’s way of being vulnerable with her. Just when the moment could have gotten more serious Kat let out, “If only I were a little braver, huh?”

Adena laughed a little bit, but had a contemplative look. “If only,” she sighed.

For a second, Kat thought about it. She thought about being brave enough to leave work and get on the first flight out to Paris. But all of her doubts got the best of her again, and she knew she wasn’t ready to do something like that. 

Later that day when Kat was walking home from work and her phone rang, seeing it was Adena caught her off guard, because she knew how late it was there. In all their daily chats Adena never called after a certain time, so she was confused. But Adena sounded wide awake and clear, and when she said she couldn’t stop thinking about “if only you were braver” Kat stopped in her tracks, curious where this was leading. “What if I was?” And Kat couldn’t breathe. What could this mean? 

“What if I were to book a ticket to return to New York?”

“What?” And suddenly Kat couldn’t stop laughing. “Yeah you should do that. You should be brave.”

“Okay,” Adena stated, so simply, but Kat could hear the smile through the phone.

“Okay,” Kat beamed. “So you’ll be back…” Kat exhaled and her thoughts began to run wild with what that would mean.

“I’ll be back.”

“And we could….” Kat had the words be brave repeating in her head. “We could pick up where we left off.” 

She said it definitively. 

She said it confidently. 

Because if Adena could be brave, so could she.

Because the night Kat thought she lost Adena, she promised herself she’d never let it happen again.

And she never would.


End file.
